Dumb

feeling dumb thinking of u. who r u to be on my mind. just teach me how to shake u off. will b totally fine without u. we all have to depend on ourselves in the end. txr, try harder, let go and move on. dun be a fool.

bad news today, was laid off, sort of. was involved in a game project but today i was told to stop, as they found someone better. yup i agreed but was really sad, and still am disappointed. want to learn real stuff, where can i learn, and focus.

tmr gonna go down rp to meet counselor, only then they will decide my eligibility of staying in campus. hope everything turns out well. enuf of negative happenings.

where r u? the one who will accept n love me for who i am. i nid u to hold me tight, tell me not to worry for u will be by my side and everything will be fine.

River

today is our family trip, supposed to be happy, but i wasn't. unhappy moments kept happen, enuf of all the scoldings. walked alone in the dark night, nearly lost, yet i wasn't feeling anything. rather i wished i just disappear so they will b happy without me.

break? you call this break?

2 weeks is too short a break. with all those ut 2 assignments flooding. couldn't even have a peaceful mind. i just wish everything could just come one by one. but how is it possible. my housemate contributed her voice and the equipment she loaned from RPRC (for her FYP) in my sound design ut 2 assignment. and now she demands that i quickly give it back to her, as in finished my assignment and give her the whole file to include in her portfolio, not in a nice way i would say.

i warning you..............you should appreciate............don't make me feel hurt...............i would let it go if others hurt me............but other ppl might do sth outrageous.........i'm busy so dun disturb, just email me.............

try imagine my feeling upon seeing this. when did i hurt her and i'm not saying i won't give the file to her but now i still editing. i'm ady trying me best as my place here is noisy with all those renovations going on and i dun wanna give out crappy work. i'm ady v v stressed. felt so hurt when i saw this fb msg, and even more hurt when i found out she blocked me.

just came bk from cameron highland. super rare chance for us big family to go on a trip tgt (grandpa, granny & 4 families). this is my 1st time travelling to cameron highland, really cold out there, i even wore gloves and my sweater for winter wear. many details to be shared but not in the mood right now. mind is cluttered with all those unfinished work. i dunno what happen to me, i think i'm really really stressed. tmr i'm going bk to hostel and preparing for school to resume but i don't think i'm ready for it. tears kp rolling down whenever i think of school or work. i'm suffocated, i can't control myself, my tears.

stop before it's too late

saw this while i'm strolling my google reader

finally i'm back home, today i partial, actually wasn't feeling well b4 i went school, still struggling whether to attend class or not. upon thinking how pity jm would be if i din turn up (5 in our team, 1 said not coming, 1 is forever late, 1 is constantly watching random stuff), decided not to leave her alone & dragged myself out of bed, shower and off i went. pain in the ankle and kneepit is killing me once again. rushed to class as i was late, only to realize that jm did not turn up as well. she's sick too, hrmmm...

after 1st meeting, which is 1st break, i couldn't tahan anymore, broke down and cried, in class. luckily most of them have gone out to grab a bite. mr anthony has not gone far, was just outside the classroom and sb informed him. tried to hide my tears but to no avail when he came. he told me to go back and insisted calling my mum. i told him not to as she's busy working. then he asked for my number, gave him, no choice.

good thing my grandpa had appointment in sg today, picked me up after his medical check. so glad to be home, especially when one's not feeling well.

recently was on the brink of collapsing. i can feel it, more than ever, seriously it's coming back, even stronger than before. sth big gonna happen if i continue, though i've been ignoring this fact and tried to brush it away all this while, half of my life i reckon. i am me, no one will know better. others might look at me differently but  i must not joke with my future, if i want to have a future, if ya know what i mean.

so ya, my last piece of word.

tgis

oh, finally it's end of wk 1. bloody shitty tired, nvr ever had a good slp since wed -- character design. had to do 20 silhouettes and i stayed awake from 1.30am, all the way to the next morning just to complete it, see how slow i am. i hate myself to b like this, i d k if i could handle this module or not, this can't be going on for the following 15 wks, i would probably pass out b4 getting that far. and this lack of slp was brought forward to the next day, which is level & world design. i quite like my faci, lawrence but he was just teaching us for 1 lesson .(p'o'q). was v tired and can't do my rj, went to slp and woke up again at 1 to finish it, till friday. i was so so so not feeling well. class starts at 9am, wanted to bathe at 7 but the bathroom was occupied. fell asleep while waiting and the next thing i know it's ady 845. omg, nvr had this happened b4, shocked, had a quick shower. luckily i was not marked late although i arrived class 1 or 2 mins later. faci hasn't start class yet. phew (." ) the same cycle went thru again last night while i was trying to do my rj. so not liking this, and i am pretty determined to end this vicous cycle today >[`-`]<

my 20 silhouettes of a science fiction male hero rebellion leader

felt really bad when i eat a lot at midnight, and uncomfortable too

dreams bad ones

had a terrible nightmare & an early morning mare, both related even i woke up in between bout 2 hours. lost my appetite for the whole day, i even cried when i woke up. helpless & lonely

am in the school library, waiting for the time to start my project. however kinda lost my way, can't find the exact place. try my luck, use the staircase and somehow end up being at the highest level of a multi-storey car park. and there's no turning back, no door back to where i came out from. there i met 2 bangla, they told me i have to walk down all the way to get out of this car park. so i walk, walk, walk. exit the building, the same scene again from the 1st nightmare -- whole crowded city street, somewhere like kl with commercial buildings & filipinos, indonesians and usual working class bumping into each other. i had no idea wat's going on, was teleported from sg to kl, from school library to busy street.

crap work

felt so disheartened & disappointed at myself, my game, my team. i know i can't blame them, they are trying, like what i did. but why insist on clinging on to the idea when you know you can't do it. in the end, what did we get? a crappy crap & what else? oh ya, you got me pissed off. received my 1st C for daily grade for this sem. so not nice.

a rare experience one can encounter

today is a public holiday, labour day, so no school. such fine weather to swim, a lil on the warm side. but the pool was closed, how sad. so had a bath and ready to buy fruits from fairprice. planned to buy stuff from popular as well, the paper prototyping kit for analog game theory.

walked my way there coz wanted to save money & sort of exercise since i din get to swim. tummy started giving out signs of cramps just as i reached ntuc. quickly swallowed the med i had few days ago and hope it would go off. yet, it kinda getting worse so i just grabbed 1 box of grapes, 2 tomatoes, 1 mini papaya and head to the pay counter. wanna get all things done asap.

while i was queueing, the cramps gave their max, it was so painful that i had to squat down & kept on shivering.  and then there was this inconsiderate auntie who cut queue!!! i struggled to stand, make the payment. the worker at the counter asked if i was alright, i think i cried a lil bit, she asked me to wait at the side and handed me a mug of warm water. i sat there, in pain. in the meantime, a very kind hearted auntie pushing her trolley came up to me, open a packet of chocolate cookies she had just bought and offered me 1 piece. i must be looking very very pale that time, i can feel that i'm almost fainting.

not long after that, i was brought to the staff office where there's a few auntie workers inside, facing a row of computers. i was told to rest there, 1 of the chinese staff made me a hot milo where a malay staff gave me a small bottle of medicated oil. they kept asking where i stay, my parents' numbers... i told them i was staying in the school hostel and i need a cab, they insisted to have my housemate over here to accompany me back. i told them just call a taxi for me & i wanted to go back fast. but they said it was expensive and wanted to walk me to the taxi stand up there. i was so frustrated, coz i knew that i had no energy to walk and all i want is to reach my hostel immediately. finally they get my point. cost me $7.54, couldn't rmb the exact amount but somewhere around there.


thanks to all who have helped. god bless u all.

epic fall

lots of things happen during the past few days. finally started doing digital for my comics. bought a new lappy ASUS Zenbook. get it configured & installed Adobe CS5.5 suite ytd at rp. planned to check-out but when i get to the management office, only to find out that rp has approved my appeal to extend my stay in the hostel for 1 more year. of course there'll be some contract & requirements (weekly counselling session or sth like that =,=" that is no fun seriously) so in the end i did not need to bring back my stuff, just left them there till the next trip i went down to sign the new contract & move to a new unit. hope i get some nice housemates, esp roommate, the most important.

here comes the epic falling off from indoor bike episode. i was waiting for lunch and got bored. went up the bike, rode it, not more than 5 mins and i decided to watch TV. while i was stepping off the bike (feet stuck in the pedal strap thingy, standing up high), my maid call me and ping pong piang, there i was, slamming my left foot hard on the ground. burst into tears almost immediately. tried to stand up and walk, fail obviously. piggy back was the solution then. after lunch, my kakak went out and when i had to move from here to there, i had to crawl, what a sorry sight. and after a few baby trips (babies do crawl), i thought of a more effective way, by using the wheeled chair. just have to sit on it and "row" with my feet without stressing additional force on them. 

i'm dozing off while typing out this post. gd nite to all of u late birdies     *u*

times will be when things won't go as u plan

a week in hostel and back home again now
spent lots of time planning my comic & sketching out my storyboard
however, looking back at those pages
now i dun see a story
time = wasted
tell me how, deadline for storyboard & character design is tmr


20/3 was my pa's bday
i was in rp taking video for the ISIP (international student immersion program)
got to know 1 or 2 ppl which are quite friendly, although i knew them b4 but din really talk to them


and ya, supposed to come bk only on fri
had signed up as a helper for an event in scape warehouse
3++ i was already out, reached somerset mrt around 4.30pm, can't find the exact venue
it was almost 5 when i arrived, sweating & quite thirsty
my name is not on the list ---(0,0)---> *arrow shoot thru head*  
what's with the e-mail they sent reminding me to b punctual if i'm not required
another thing, the time, stated 5~7 but now 5~10
(╯‵□′)╯︵ ┴─┴ *flip table*
i'm done with it, walk off with head up high holding back tears
trip = wasted
i dun nid to stay if not for this event, i might as well follow my grandpa's car and go home
oh *light bulbs* *finding for phone frantically*
"公公，你们还在新加坡吗""是啊，刚刚做完事，多一下要回"
"酱我可以跟你们的车回吗"
"可以啊，你在你宿舍啊"
........and the rest is not important
yes yes yes *jumping with cheerleading bomboms*
so this is how i ended coming bk earlier than planned
random

stop rambling, u, go work

finally i broke down. and cried, yup cried. i'm so stressed out. everyone, just dump all work to me, expecting me to have them done. y they no help, where is their responsibility? 

okay, reasons

1. they just slack
2. they no like me
3. this is my responsibility
4. no reason


#just shut up and continue with ur work!!!


sad face ('x')

rage

again i feel like dying. lack of motivation.
i dun like my class. esp this wk.
put me down just to prove they can. so?

to mr B:
agreed to let u do the slides but that doesn't mean i agreed to stay out of it. this is teamwork u bullshit. u dun even care what today's topic about coz u din even bother to look at the worksheet and asked me to complete it. i told u to put in those important content, u din want to take my suggestion. there's nothing for me to present coz the slides have no meaningful content and u've finished all of them. i can only add on. faci, how u expect me to talk more during presentation?


to mr D:
what can i do? u asked me that, i can dance, sing, piano if u all are up to. but u all not willing to, only want to do speech. so now u asking what i can. i shall bomb u to death if i dun care about ur face, i just dun wanna make a scene.

upset stomach

last sat was my grandpa's bday, so went back to bp. but din have a gd time, seriously stomachache, a lot of "wind", my stomach bloated, was very hard and even can see the veins popping. not only uncomfortable, but painful, killing me.

i felt so bad, i wanted grandpa to enjoyed his bday and be happy. but i can't control my stomach, then i can't fake my feelings too, emotional dissonance cannot be used over here, the pain override my mind.

btw, managed to catch a movie with big sis, lil bro & my cousins. tintin!!! nice, strongly recommend u guys to watch it. snowy is so cute =)

actually i had a huge pile of works waiting ahead but since my lappy was sent to service, so take my time to be lazy & relax a bit.

my fav blended porridge
long beans, carrot with broccoli, all chopped up small, like baby porridge
super comfy while not feeling well